Friday, September 23, 2005

HOLY HALLELUJAH CONDOMS

Yes, I know you've read the title, be patient the condoms come later.

Whilst browsing the online Times this morning a piece guaranteed to get my dander up leapt out
at me. Why? Because it had the word POPE in it. (oops Bless me Father for I have sinned).

Don't get me wrong I don't have anything against the Pope, he's probably a very nice chap (in small doses), its what he represents and worse, the huge influence he and his posse of overdressed, over fed, cardinals wield over the poor and repressed.

He has announced (bless his mitre) that homosexual priests are to be banned. (article at the bottom of the page). Well, apart from my horror at the blatent discrimination, he'll be announcing a recruitment drive next, because he will have a severe staffing shortage in his many parishes. He'll be peforming frontal lobotomies and prescribing bromide next.

Why cannot a homosexual be a priest for God's sake. OK, OK I know it's in the Bible somewhere. Hello? This is 2005.

I also fail to understand how a rule of celibacy promotes an understanding of us mere mortals who lead lives with families, partners, children and all the dross that goes with it. Obviously the word "empathy" is not in the Catholic Rule Book.

Which brings me on nicely (coff) to the Catholic Church's policy on contraception - which incidentally has been known to make me go outside and scream at the trees.

How many women have died in the past through back street abortions because of this doctrine?
It doesn't bear thinking about.

We have an AIDS epedemic, condoms would reduce the spread of this aweful disease, but no, Mr. Pope won't bend and prefers his flock to die long lingering painful deaths, children to be born with it, and calls it "The Will of God".

Now it's fantasy time again, sorry I just cannot help myself. If I didn't take the mick I'd become very miserable and we don't want that do we?

Holy (no, not holey) Condoms. Manufactured at the Vatican (I'm sure they have a vast room somewhere doing nothing). Blessed on site, annointed with Holy Water, guaranteed sin proof.

Marketing campaign: Free Holy Wafers with every Purchase. Enter our competition and win a free tour for two to the Holy Condom Factory in Italy. Buy one, get a free Hail Mary. Autographed Pic of His Holiness, send in coupons. Design your own Condom Competition. Win Dinner out with your favourite priest. Win the exclusive opportunity to hear confession from the priest of your choice.

Design: Will come in a range of exlusive colours, particulary blood red. Three flavours, Holy wafer, sacremental wine, and unleavened bread. Condoms will also come with " guilty concience alleviating" designs. Three in particular, the Father, The son, and the Holy Ghost known as our Exclusive "Trinity Collection". and a "Host" of others to calm paranoia regarding your fear of your after death fate.

For our younger users: trendy and uplifting slogans printed on the side of your condom, such as Purgatory Sucks, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, Christ on a pogo stick, Let Jesus into your life, Thank God for Jesus, This is NOT protestant condom, Holey Moley.

Enough of this, I have only one thing to say to the Pope, "You are virgin on the ridiculous, go forth, and multiply.

The Article:

Pope to ban homosexual priests
The Roman Catholic Church is about to ban men who are even suspected of latent homosexual tendencies from training as priests.
Vatican sources said that the Pope will recommend mobilising all the resources of modern psychology to weed out those with homosexual thoughts.

Openly homosexual men are already barred from the priesthood, although this has not prevented gay scandals in several seminaries.
Several specialised publications recently have alluded to a new document on priestly training that is intended for bishops and directors of seminaries, the Catholic training institutes.
However, a Vatican official said that there were no plans to publish the document immediately, even though it has been under preparation for the past three years by the Vatican congregation for Catholic education, which is in charge of seminary training, since the issue of priestly pedophilia exploded in the United States.


Kats

5 Comments:

Blogger colcam said...

Lol. That's you going to heaven right off the agenda. :)

12:09 AM  
Blogger geokker said...

I think if a religion is based on a gospel, there should be no flexibility otherwise it is redundant. If an institutionalized religion excludes you then it's simple, don't join it. As for the Pope, surely he is a false prophet and is a walking blasphemy. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in corruption!

8:28 PM  
Blogger Nige said...

Good post but I'm waiting on posts for this week now :)

8:40 AM  
Blogger Lightning said...

This is brilliant, have not laughed so much in ages.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Gaea Phoenix said...

Love it! But I think you should call the holy condoms "Holy Wafers." They are, after all, about the same size & shape before they're opened.

8:55 PM  

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