Saturday, November 26, 2005

FOR THE SCHOLASTIC AMONG US

My word, is it Saturday again?

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle,'" Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.

"Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read myellipse!'

KATS:0)

7 Comments:

Blogger Gaea Phoenix said...

I just want to state, for the record, that that's fuckin' great...*laughing*

11:06 AM  
Blogger Lightning said...

Cracker

12:18 PM  
Blogger Steven said...

Very funny Kats. I turn into a maths geek everytime I help my kids with their homework. This will amuse them.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Steven said...

Kats again, great work. I've added your site as a link on my Blog and gave you a little mention. Please don't expect to be bombarded by my many millions of readers. They are a shy bunch and keep themselves to themselves.

9:54 AM  
Blogger The Door Steward said...

Hey Kats, where about in Scotland do you live? Nice blog, I'll be checking back later!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

Blinding! That's great!

8:24 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

Very clever! Enjoyed reading! I've linked to your blog. And, by the way, saw the picture of your house -- wonderful. It's what we in the U.S. imagine a house in Scotland would look like ...well, those of us in the U.S. with imaginations anyway.

4:32 PM  

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