Sunday, December 11, 2005

BEER SCOOTER




How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone.Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal.

This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Kats

6 Comments:

Blogger colcam said...

All is explained - I'm grateful to you :)

2:25 PM  
Blogger The Door Steward said...

So that how all you drunk folk get home! These scooters are like taxi's, there ain't enough of them. Too many intoxicated individuals hang about to fight, smash up staff cards or generally piss us "Personelle Extraction Consultants" off! I want one ;o)! Door Steward x

3:18 PM  
Blogger Lightning said...

Often wondered how this was done, now all is clear.

3:27 PM  
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2:24 PM  
Blogger Elliot said...

One problem I've noticed with the Scooter is that there is sometimes a problem with the direction finder and you actually don't end up at your home, but rather, well, at someone else's home, with, um, someone else. Possibly the problem here is that you caught a ride on that someone else's Scooter and that this all was a big mistake and, ah, I've got to go now, it was good meeting you, whatever your name is, and where are my shoes (possibly they caught the right Scooter) and, my, this is awkward...

2:39 PM  
Blogger PJ said...

Thanks for that....I was wondering how I got home after last Friday's works Xmas night out! :)

3:36 AM  

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