Saturday, December 03, 2005

ILL AND BUSY


I have been Ill, around being busy so no blogging this week. However here is another joke to get your week-end going and normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Read all the memos.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
Function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
Of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please
Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows
Up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The
MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'..
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How
am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel
that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a
little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first... There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going
to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar,
including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings
too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday,
drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off
with full pay.
Diane

Kats:0)

9 Comments:

Blogger The Door Steward said...

hahahaha! I like that! Get well soon darling!

2:28 PM  
Blogger Lightning said...

Sorry to hear you have been a bit under the weather, hope you are on the mend. Brilliant Memo joke.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Gavin Corder said...

Brilliant! Where are you getting this stuff? I feel theft coming on!

6:12 PM  
Blogger kats said...

Thankyou Mr. Door and Lightning.

Gavin: aaahaaaa!

11:38 PM  
Blogger Elliot said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Elliot said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:57 PM  
Blogger colcam said...

Great memo, LoL. But poor Jimmy!

5:36 AM  
Blogger colcam said...

And I hope you're feeling better.

5:38 AM  
Anonymous uglybiscuits said...

Good one! Love reading your blogs.

12:07 PM  

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