POND LIFE WITH THE MOLES

You’ve read the cast list …………………………………………….


So, we’ll start with the endlessly fascinating Mr. and Mrs. Mole, who, quite literally live in a hole and not a very large one at that.

Mr. and Mrs. Mole live close by. They live in a very small yacht about 26 feet long of which about half is an aft deck. So, by my calculation they live together in a space which is about 12 feet long and probably no more that about 6 feet wide. Nothing wrong with that. The puzzling part is that slung over the top of their yacht is a very large blue tarpaulin secured to the mast by duct tape and everywhere any light could possibly get in duct tape is in evidence. On the starboard side is the biggest television aerial you have ever seen.

So, the only thing you can see of this, very nice (I think) yacht is a very tall mast, the telly aerial, and a blue tarpaulin.

Every morning a small portion of the blue tarpaulin in pulled back and Mr. Mole emerges, always in the same clothes, unless he buys three or four of everything. But there again there is probably only room for one jumper, one pair of trousers and a pair of boots in his part of the yacht. In his hand are two 1 litre Perthshire mountain spring water bottles which he fills at the water tap on the pontoon. Back he goes, the flap goes down and that’s it, for a few more hours. He always says a cheery good morning if you meet him and seems an affable sort of chap, just pale from the lack of light, but there is something manic in his eyes and while they swivel around, you get the uneasy feeling that he’s waiting for some unseen entity to tap him on the shoulder and this time he’s going to give it what for once and for all. Perhaps it’s Mrs. Mole.

Last week our boat was moved to a better part of the Marina, back end on to the pontoon and nearer the toilet (so my eyes are now back in their sockets). So we were towed and told to tie up to the boat to the left of us as the one to the right was due to depart upon its travels. A woman suddenly appeared, with a Mr. Mole manic gleam in her eyes and pasty face, and said in a rather belligerent manner “You can’t tie that boat up here!”. To which him indoors replied “Well, this is where we’ve been instructed to tie it up and that’s that.”

To which she replied “Well we’re just fed up of being crunched between boats and it’s keeping me awake” and off she went.

Mrs. Mole had appeared and spoken.

Mrs. Mole’s routine never varies either.

After Mr. Mole and burrowed his way to the light for his water about an hour later Mrs. Mole surfaces, always in a grey sweatshirt and navy trousers, her grey shoulder length a well groomed and hanging loose. The two Perthshire Mountain Spring water bottles under her arm, fills them up and descends back into the tarpaulin burrow. She then appears again in the same attire clutching a toothbrush and toothpaste and heads for the toilet/shower block. However the strange thing is that one day I happened to feel a need and followed shortly after but she wasn’t in there anywhere. So the first mystery is where the hell does she go with her tooth implements – perhaps there’s an underground trapdoor in communal bathroom that I haven't spotted, for people who are averse to the rigours of daylight.

So basically that’s all they do – rush to the tap and descend back into that strange netherworld with B & Qs best tarpaulin for sky, over and over again, and they’ve been doing it for 3 years.

Oh my God, perhaps they’re vampires.