DANGEROUS NUMBERS

Don't you find that when you think you've got life sussed, cracked it, starting to enjoy it even. Something will always come along and bite you up the ass and give you another effing wake up call.

God forbid (and obviously she does) that we should sail (no pun intended) through our lives doing no harm to others where we can possibly help it, and glide into old age with a smile on our faces before everything stops working and we shuffle off this mortal coil.

Oh no, you have to suffer the indignity's of "bits" going south, "things" being removed. Over the last hundred years or so I have lost a kidney, a womb, an ovary, a set of appendix, a couple of ribs, and a large chunk of my bowel.

Not that long ago I was lying on a treatment couch surrounded by people, and having a camera shoved up my ass, for the umpteenth time in the last 5 years, and having banal conversations as if having a pipe the size of a fully grown python searching for food up my jacksie was an every day occurrence and of course, I couldn't feel a thing (yeah right!). Why would I worry that a male aged no more than 15 was manipulating it, and had full view of my rear end in all it's glory. I could go on for aeon's about the laxatives you have to take the day before but I won't. I think by now you should get the picture.

I think I should get to the point.

To be the do-ee, the person who is receiving the treatment, is easier than being the do-er. The do-ee has too much to deal with on a daily basis for hand wringing, worry etc. You just have to get on with it, get past it, and get on with life after indignities and missing organs.

Yes, yes I know. I'm getting there.

Mr. Kats is now in possession of dangerous numbers. 8.9 cholesterol and high blood pressure. So now I'm on the other end and worrying. Buying low cholesterol cook-books, changing the food we eat and every 5 minutes scrutinising the colour of his face. This morning I even checked to see if he was breathing. Paranoid? Who me? Never!

Angry is what I am, that someone I love is in potential danger. I want it, so he doesn't have to deal with it and the fear that goes with it.

I do hope however, that he finishes fitting those engine gaskets.

Kats :0(

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

IRAQ IS MUCH LESS STABLE NOW THAN BEFORE WE INVADED, ADMITS BUSH.

Well I never, George, we would never have guessed.

PRIVATE EYE FRONT PAGE

SOD SADDAM

On, and on and on and on. Ad nauseum.

Brown condemns it, Bush says the circumstances surrounding his hanging were wrong.

That fat Leech Two jags speaks out.

Snuff movie on the internet - don't watch it then!

What did they expect from people who had been oppressed by this tyrant, been tortured, had relatives go missing? A fond farewell and forgiveness?

If, during this ridiculous war, he had been killed Bush and Blair would have proudly displayed his remains to the world in an act of triumph as they did his sons, when they were killed.

Being shown, on TV the remains of his family after they had been blown up, I found offensive and unnecessary.

Where's the difference you bunch of overpaid, overblown, hypocrites?

Kats

AL GORE FOR PRESIDENT

I always had a sneaking suspicion at the time of the Presedential elections that Al Gore should have won, and that something underhand had robbed him of the presidency.

The fact that he lost that election was probably one of the saddest days for the U.S.A. and no doubt the rest of the planet.

I have just watched his documentary AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.

It is funny, shocking and above all, thought provoking.

It is presented in a no frills, understandable format and holds you in thrall for the whole 93 minutes.

This should be put on the school curriculum worldwide, and never mind identity cards, issue every household with a copy of this instead, it would be money well spent.

Kats (going off to investigate bio fuels for the boat)

SCOTTISH HOT AIR

TAE A FERT (in an Aberdeen Accent)

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie

Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie

Just as ye sit doon among yer kin

There sterts to stir an enormous wind

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas

Stert workin like a gentle breeze

But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face

Will have ye blawin' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae

A'bodys gonnae have tae pay

Even if ye try to stifle

It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair

Ta try and stop the leakin air

Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek

Pray tae god it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder

Oot it comes like a clap o thunder

Richochets aroon the room michty me, a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks

Hope I huvnae shat me breeks

Tae the bog I better scurry

Aw whit the hell, its no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin

Wan or two are nearly bokin

I'll feel better for a while

Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis him! I shout with accusing glower

Alas too late, he's just keeled ower

Ye dirty bugger they shout, and stare

I dinnae feel welcome any mair

Whit a fuss at Rabbies Perty

Ower the sake o one wee ferty

2007

WHEW! I made it!!!!!