Sunday, December 25, 2005


It's 8.30 pm on Christmas Day. This is how bored I am now:

clicketyclick here peeps and have a laugh. Turn up your sound.


Saturday, December 24, 2005


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out

.2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. Our idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you definitely need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

KATS :0)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


I read with some amusement, followed by a loud sigh, that the Burger King Advert has been, because a live cow was wearing a Burger Blanket, was deemed offensive by some among us.

Who to? Well for a start Vegetarians - I can understand that, but do they blindfold themselves when walking past the meat counter in Tescos or wherever and cross the road to avoid the Butcher's shop so as not to upset their poor sensitive feelings. Or perhaps it has turned into a religion and we must not offend it at any cost or cause the veggie equivalent of a jihad, named perhaps the "lethal Turnip Squads". Don't get me wrong, I used to be one, but alas missed my bacon butties, but still find it difficult to put up with that smell of "Dead meat" in the Butchers.

However it was not only veggies that objected to it. Many carnivores did too. Why? Well, people like to think that that nice piece of meat on a polystyrene tray covered in clingfilm with a nice label on it never walked around on 4 legs (or in the case of chickens etc, 2 of them). In fact, in the past, to my horror and disbelief I have encountered people and children that had no idea where it came from. They must have thought there was a nice hygienic factory somewhere, with not a drop of blood in sight, where by some miracle, manufactured meat popped out of a magical mechanical hole, trundled along a conveyor belt, gets all wrapped up nicely and hey presto, dinner for sale. The sad part about it is many folk would not know what to do with a nice juicy leg of lamb .

Well to put my slant on it - I don't find the advert offensive but I find the shite people eat and worse feed their kids on from these establishments, quite frankly bloody horrific. Don't even get me started on how chicken nuggets are made.

Anyway here is said article:

An advert featuring a cow wearing a Burger King-branded blanket has been cleared of breaching industry guidelines for causing offence.
The Advertising Standards Authority ruled that the commercial did not breach industry regulations despite 82 complaints.
Some vegetarian viewers thought the advert was "distressing", while others found it offensive or in poor taste.
The ASA conceded that some viewers would think it in poor taste to use a live cow in an advert for a hamburger chain, but said the ad was unlikely to have caused serious offence.
"Whilst we recognised that some viewers would find the link between the cow and the product distasteful and too direct an approach, we did not consider it was likely to cause serious or widespread offence against general public feeling," the watchdog ruled.
In the advert, a man was shown in a field singing, "£1.99er, they're only £1.99", before a cow walked by clad in a Burger King blanket.
In its defence, Burger King told the ASA that the ad was intended to be light-hearted and did not believe it would offend anyone.

What a waste of money even investigating it.



Monday, December 19, 2005


Life is running away with me at the moment.

I have suddenly found myself working for a living, and what I was told was 2 days a week is rapidly turning into five. I am now incarcerated in an office with a lunatic who has been collecting junk for 4 years. Well ok, some of it is antique and very nice too. I was taken to a secret location, not blindfolded, just sworn to secrecy on pain of death, taken into two very, very, large sheds which are bursting to the rafters with the lunatic's "collection". "Right" he said, waving his arms like windmills, "all this has to be catalogued, described, photographed and put on e-bay. So there I am doing said tasks and, actually rather enjoying it. Each crate that is hauled down to the office is like opening a treasure chest, you name it, he's bought it.

Hence my lack of blogging - I must get some discipline going again.

The rest of my time has been spent boat hunting. Last Friday I was down in Spean Bridge looking at a 60 foot converted Motor Fishing Vessel, moored on Loch Lochy.

So, we have made an offer and she is to be surveyed this week, and all being well she will be ours by the end of March. We have a slight problem though, - we can't find a mooring - a slight technical hitch - maybe doomed to wander the seas like a pair of aging maritime new age travellers.

Anyway, now it's becoming a reality it's becoming scary. Such a life change, exciting and bloody terrifying at the same time.

To be continued...................................


Sunday, December 11, 2005


How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone.Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal.

This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.


Saturday, December 10, 2005


I have just spent all day on a train, well two, actually, after visiting "darn sarth". I look in my e-mail, and what do I find - Gavin Corder, asking where's the Saturday joke gone?
Mark, my words he'll steal it and put it on his own blog. Well Gavin they say it's the sincerest form of flattery so I'll forgive you.
Your joke is below:
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" he said. "No matter," said the man,"observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, having been drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop replied, "but his face rings a bell." (Wait there's more)
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot! Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened" the first breathlessly monk asked, "Who is this man?" "I didn't get his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Yes, it's that time of year again when the £25,000 Turner Prize is awarded. As you probably know it went to the "shed" which apparently was dismantled, turned into a boat, floated and then re-assembled as a shed.

So, your DIY skills can win you the Turner Prize now, and secondly what a monumental waste of time.

Anyway read this:

The artist has said that his works are the physical manifestation of my thought process. Tate curators hailed the shed as poetic . . a buttress against the pressures of modernity, mass production and global capitalism. They added: For each project, he has learnt particular skills model-making, boat-building, engineering ... but always stopping short of complete mastery. We can sense, in the visible fissures and joins of his works, the signs of a paradoxical amateur professionalism.

Can't you just picture some anally rententive, superior being spouting off the above, whilst waving his glass of expensive bubbly around to make us all aware of his supreme powers of insight and superior knowledge, that none of us who gaze in wonder at a bloke getting an artistic accolade for re-assembling a shed and a back hander of £25,000 could possibly appreciate.

Pass me the sick bag.


Saturday, December 03, 2005


I have been Ill, around being busy so no blogging this week. However here is another joke to get your week-end going and normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Read all the memos.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
Function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
Of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please
Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows
Up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The
MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'..
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How
am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel
that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first... There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going
to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar,
including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings
too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday,
drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off
with full pay.