Saturday, October 29, 2005



These are allegedly quotes from letters sent to Islington Borough Council.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.


Friday, October 28, 2005


Former Ulster Defence Association Paramilitary Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair today walked free from court after admitting assaulting his wife.

Adair, 42, drunkenly attacked Gina Adair hours after he was released from prison last month, Bolton Magistrates` Court heard. Karen Tong, prosecuting, said Adair was seen kneeling on his wife and "punching her repeatedly with both arms".

The couple, who have been married for 23 years and have four children, were walking home from a nearby pub after celebrating Adair`s release from prison on September 26.

I bet his wife heaved a sigh of relief when he went into prison for 39 days for harrassment.

A group of children and their parents playing football in the park reported seeing Adair dragging his wife by the hair as she tried to flee, Mrs Tong said.

Mr. Adair obviously needs to be on a continuous and hefty regime of sedatives.

Adair, formerly of Chorley New Road, Bolton, was made the subject of a 12-month community rehabilitation order. The Probation Service will supervise him one-on-one because he is not deemed suitable for group work. His new address was withheld by the court.

Do they fear for the group's safety?

Imposing the Community Rehabilitation Order, David Bonner, chairman of the bench, said: "This domestic violence offence is a very serious matter."

Greater Manchester Police Chief Superintendent Dave Lea said: "This incident is totally unacceptable and assaults of any type will not be tolerated by Greater Manchester Police, especially those assaults committed by those with whom you are entitled to feel safe.

You are joking? This animal should have received a good public flogging and been sent back in for another 39 days to give the poor woman a break.



Yes, it's the F word again - Fear. Something that rules us all in some way or another.

I'm in the middle of (well, nearly finished) State of Fear by Michael Crighton, a work of fiction and a good yarn. The underlying theme of the book is that Global Warming is a fallacy and a form of social manipulation. The arguments contained within, and there are many, are backed up by authentic scientific research, in the form of footnotes directing the reader, if he wishes, to the appropriate scientific paper.

Mr. Crighton was called to a Senate Committee as a result of this book, where he explained that he is pointing out that scientific evidence is "cherry picked", sometimes as a form of manipulation. He called for a completely independant body to review all scientific evidence, no matter whether it is in agreement or not, and therefore presenting a balanced view to the public.

I'm not here to argue the facts regarding Global Warming, and whether he is right or not. Just that it is all part of the F word, and he's right, we don't receive a balanced view. It's infuriating.

This is from the book, but I have changed it from a dialogue to a statement:

The notion of social control. To the requirement of every sovereign state to exert control over the behaviour of it's citizens, to keep them orderly and docile. To keep them driving on the right side of the road, or the left, as the case may be. To keep them paying taxes. And of course, we know that social control is best managed by fear.

For fifty years western nations had maintained their citizens in a state of perpetual fear. Fear of the other side. Fear of nuclear war. The communist menace. The Iron Curtain. The Evil Empire. And within the Communist countries, the same in reverse. Fear of us. Then, suddenly, in the fall of 1989, it was all finished, gone. The fall of the Berlin Wall created a vacuum of fear. Nature abhors a vacuum, something had to fill it.

The environmental crisis took the place of the Cold War. Of course now we have radical fundamentalism and post 9/11 terrorism to make us afraid, and those are certainly real reasons for fear. But there is always a cause for fear. The cause may change over time, but the fear is always with us. Before terrorism we feared the toxic environment. Before that we had the Communist menace. Fear pervades society in all it's aspects. Perpetually.

Industrialised nations provide their citizens with unprecedented safety, health and comfort. Average life spans increased fifty percent in the last century. Yet modern people live in abject fear. They are afraid of strangers, of disease, of crime, of the environment. They are afraid of the homes they live in, the food they eat, the technology that surrounds them. They are in a particular panic over things they can't even see - germs, chemicals, additives, pollutants. They are timid, nervous, fretful and are convinced that the environment of the entire planet is being destroyed around them.

We inhabit the State of fear - How has that been accomplished? In the past citizens of the west believed their nation-states were dominated by something called the military-industrial complex. Eisenhower warned Americans against it in the 1960s, and after two world wars Europeans knew very well what it meant in their own countries. But the military-industrial complex is no longer the primary driver of society.

For the last fifteen years we have been under the control of an entirely new complex, far more powerful and far more pervasive. The politico-legal-media complex is dedicated to promoting fear in the population - under the guise of promoting safety.

People do not feel they are safe as a result of this. The politico-legal-media complex is powerful and stable, precisely because it unites so many institutions in society. Politicians need fears to control the population. Lawyers need danger to litigate, and make money. The media need scare stories to capture an audience. Together these three estates are so compelling that they can go about their business even if the scare is totally groundless or has no basis in fact at all.



Thursday, October 27, 2005


I am now fuming over the sexual abuse allegations in Ireland. Surprised though? Of course not.

Instead of ranting here's a joke about it - I think I'm going onto the Vatican website to e-mail it.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and
ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the
village, so he started to question his parishioners in
the church the next morning..

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody
got a cock?" All the men stood up.

No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half
the women stood up.

"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests,
and a goat stood up.



For several months now I have been living in a constant state of fear, which has resulted in me not recognising myself as the person I thought I was, or perhaps, and I think that this is probably the case, not recognising myself in the past and now, finally, as a result of shaking off the "business manager persona", swapping the stress of an 80 hour manic working week, for the stress of being on benefits and making ends meet, being allowed to be who I am. Does that make sense? No matter, it makes sense to me. The ends never meet incidentally, which is one aspect of the fear of course.

In my defence though, (and now I am wondering why I need to defend, but I've typed it so I'll leave it in, maybe one of the philosophers out there can enlighten me) I have never been a woman who "shops" and "lunches" or even "networked" to get on. I was very good at my job, got on with it, put everything I had into it, with great success, and stared in wonder at colleagues ingratiating themselves, sometimes to the point of humiliation, to their superiors in the business circle to get on and obviously believing that their self betrayal was justified and a means to an end (simpering twats). I think "brown nosing" is the expression - not guilty yer honour. If promotion and or recognition waved at me fine, if not, fine.

I also never had to browbeat people to produce results for me like some of my colleagues (be-suited harridans and Hitlers intent on feeding their own egos with a sense of power at the expense of the so called "indians"), which to me was evidence of their own lack of confidence, that only a mobile phone welded to one ear and an organiser in other could cure. Their attitude was a result of their fear, or is that far too lenient of me?

I was, however once accused of being weak for not having this trait and attitude, I was most upset at the time, but my integrity remained intact and I always produced the results. I walked away from that meeting whispering wanker! under my breath and carried on regardless. But nevertheless was frightened, in case I was wrong.

But the irony is, I still lived in a state of fear, the fear of not succeeding, the fear of downturns in business which I would be held personally responsible for, but was bugger all to do with me and had more to do with the weather, the economic climate , the colour of the Managing Director's underpants and a myriad of other obscure reasons beyond my control.

I joined another company for a job with more money, blah blah blah, even more stress and it folded within a year of me joining. Well that's the fear of a sense of failure and bad judgement smacking me in the chops for good measure. Go on world beat me, beat me!

More f*****g fear, and dealing with other people's fear while I made them redundant, hiding my fear so they wouldn't be more frightened. Frightening innit?

I started this post because a book I am reading got me thinking about fear and although a work of fiction has some quite profound observations about social fear. I think I'll save that one for the next post.

So, I hear you asking (?), would I go back to that life? The answer is a resounding NO. When I go back to work, which I will because I want to, I will be doing something entirely different.

Next episode tomorrow plus the joys of social fear.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005



There has been a call for a world wide ban on the movement of live exotic birds for the pet trade, in an attempt to thwart the spread of Avian Flu.

Fair enough. But why is this barbaric trade still going on anyway. Yes, I know supply and demand, plus a fair measure of greed thrown in.

Anyone who keeps any kind of bird incarcerated in a cage for their personal pleasure should be ashamed of themselves.


Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Some poor sod in the marketing department for Burger King is feeling the heat, after designing a swirly ice cream logo for the lid of a container.

I bet he sat there and thought yes! this is what I'll do today, I'll cause a Jihad because I'm bored with this shitty job and it's time someone noticed what a grand job I'm doing here. So, he got his copy of the Koran and searched for something in there that looked like a swirly ice cream, and lo and behold a Jihad. Job Done!

Mr. Akhatar, Burger King has apologised and spent lots of money pandering to your little tantrum. Get a life and move on for crying out loud. Oh, and I'd get my cholesterol levels checked if I were you.

THE fast-food chain, Burger King, is withdrawing its ice-cream cones after the lid of the dessert offended a Muslim.
The man claimed the design resembled the Arabic inscription for Allah, and branded it sacrilegious, threatening a "jihad".

The chain is being forced to spend thousands of pounds redesigning the lid with backing from The Muslim Council of Britain. It apologised and said: "The design simply represents a spinning ice-cream cone."
The offending lid was spotted in a branch in Park Royal last week by business development manager Rashad Akhtar, 27, of High Wycombe.
He was not satisfied by the decision to withdraw the cones and has called on Muslims to boycott Burger King. He said: "This is my jihad. How can you say it is a spinning swirl? If you spin it one way to the right you are offending Muslims."
A Muslim Council spokesman said: "We commend the sensitive and prompt action that Burger King has taken."


Monday, October 24, 2005


And another thing - don't even start me on that Tracy Enema and her filthy bed.



This giant egg slicer has been bought for £63,000 by the National Galleries of Scotland and is the work of Mona Hatoum.

"Her style is characterised by forms and materials that evoke feelings of intimacy and familiarity while simultaneously suggesting the possibility of danger. In Slicer, Hatoum massively enlarges an egg slicer so it is the perfect fit, not for an egg, but for a child. The sculpture alludes to the fragility of the human body."

What a pretentious load of shite!

So, I understand from this that Mona visualised a child being sliced like a hard boiled egg? Or am I missing some kind of arty farty psychology here, that being a member of the lowly public I couldn't possibly begin to understand?

It looks like a bloody great egg slicer to me. The feelings it invokes in me are:

It wouldn't fit in my kitchen cupboard and where would I get an egg that big to fit and what the hell will I boil it in when I find it.

There again, I could put George Bush in it - now, that's a thought, or even the Pope.

If our Mona is thinking such strange thoughts perhaps she should seek help from the nearest trick cyclist

£63000?? Give me a break!

I did visit the famous "Pile of Bricks" at the Tate many years ago. Never let it be said that I won't give it a go in the flesh so to speak. It looked like a bloody great pile of bricks to me - arranged very neatly.


Sunday, October 23, 2005


COLCAM has just had the audacity to mention the Conservative leadership election...............and put me right off my Sunday lunch! (bread and dripping, as I am also unemployed) - so I dedicate this silliness to you Colcam!

There is too much misery going on in this world, so here is something else to amuse you until I can get my brain into gear and "rite sumthink proppa".


Subject: History as seen by children

The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.> When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the> circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.


Saturday, October 22, 2005


My blogging is becoming far too serious of late, so, on a lighter note.......

Bet some of these remind you of a few people....

For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village of it's idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's an absolute tosser......., pity his father wasn't"

14. "His body is here, but the mind's in limbo"

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory........ but the lens cover is glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"


Friday, October 21, 2005


A man on Lagoa dos Reis paddles across a blanket of dead and dying fish. Photograph: Marcio Silva/AP

So, it's been discovered, again, that theAmazon Rainforest is disappearing at twice the rate as was previously thought. Six thousand square miles of forest lost every year and a 25% increase in greenhouse gasses caused by festering vegetation left behind. As for the effect on wildlife, the photo says far more than I ever could, it's pretty obscene isn't it?

It must be nearly 20 years ago that Sting appeared on television with Terry Wogan and a bemused looking Amazonian Tribal Chief. A huge publicity campaign ensued, highlighting the plight of native Amazonian tribes and the effects of deforestation on their way of life and the surrounding environment. Not to mention the knock on effect to the rest of the world as the "lungs" of the planet are slowly excised at an alarming rate. Where did all that hoo hah go, and what good did it do?

Perhaps the lures of Tantric Sex (whatever that may be) became too much to resist for Mr. Sting.

The world is in a panic over the imminent arrival of a bird flu pandemic.

The planet already suffers from a destructive pandemic - it's called the Human Race.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Taken by "him indoors" when he was outdoors.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


Call it a new, 11th Commandment: “Thou shalt not advertise” if the religious primitives smell sin.

You know how it is when you start to read an article and end up clicking on the links provided
for other information or points of view.

Well this morning was one of those occasions. I have just spent the last three hours flitting about from link to link with morbid fascination. Each leap from website to website, caused my mouth to open wider and wider, not to mention the expletives coming out in disbelief. In fact I feel a chill in my heart and a sense of dread at the insidiousness of a campaign being conducted in America, with great success.

Spurred on by a biblical injunction evangelicals call “The Great Commission,” and emboldened by George W. Bush’s re-election, which is perceived as a “mandate from God,” the Christian right has launched a series of boycotts and pressure campaigns aimed at corporate America — and at its sponsorship of entertainment, programs and activities the Christers don’t like.

Proctor and Gamble, a corporate giant, has pulled millions of dollars in advertising from TV shows such as Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Even firing an Executive employee for connections to a bill in Ohio regarding discrimination of gays.

Proctor and Gamble have privately acknowledged "that the groups have turned out to be larger, better funded, better organized and more sophisticated than the company had imagined."

Desperate Housewives has lost advertising revenue from several large companies because it is deemed salacious. Even Southpark has had ads pulled.

Nissan, Goodyear, Castrol, Kraft, Johnson, Hasbro and even Microsoft have back pedalled on advertising and sponsorship as a result of threats of boycotts and pressure.

Even the New York Times has bowed to pressure:

By consistently framing the issue as a civil rights matter — gays fighting for the right to be treated like everyone else — we failed to convey how disturbing the issue is in many corners of American social, cultural, and religious life.” Oh, “disturbing” to whom? Why, to the Christers, of course — whose e-mail complaint campaigns against the Times are legion: It’s the paper the fundamentalists love to hate. So why is the Times — one of the few newspapers in the latest available study of circulation released earlier this year to significantly increase circulation rather than lose it — feeling the need to kowtow to the religious opponents of gay marriage? The paper’s willingness to do so is about as frightening a testimony to creeping theocracy as one could imagine.

Behind it all is the AFA (American Family Association), whose name should be changed, in my opinion anyway, to American Fascists Association.

Their website supposedly aims to preach family values within a christian doctrine, but instead preaches intolerance, and narrow mindedness to a frightening degree, considering the power they are wielding within the corporate structure of America. This power comes from the sheer number of active members of this society.

The Rev. Donald E. Wildmon is the Chairman of the AFA, and if ever there was a case for the appearance of the "anti-Christ" on earth he is it.

The article that I have pulled quotes from has cited the 1950's witchhunt of communists in America, a reign of terror, which started in much the same way, and which lasted for a quarter of a century and lasted another 18 years after Senator Joe McCarthy was dead and buried.

All this could be described as the "Pandora's Box" which Bush has allowed, or should I say encouraged to be opened.

Scary stuff. I wonder how long it will be before it creeps into Britain?


Saturday, October 15, 2005


Enough said

Friday, October 14, 2005


Photographed at Nottinghill Gate Tube Station.


Catholic Church records in Los Angeles show that for decades priests accused of child sex abuse were moved to new assignments or given counselling.

The personnel records of the clergymen accused have just been released as part of settlement talks with lawyers in the case.

They show that for more than 70 years, the Church provided therapy to clergymen accused of abusing children, believing that they could be rehabilitated.

The Church then assigned the priests to new parishes, which often resulted in them re-offending.

One priest, who eventually confessed to having molested as many as 10 victims over 20 years, was only removed from the priesthood after several unsuccessful attempts at therapy.

You (the, people in our society with a sense of outrage) are cordially invited to a week long event, well, as long as you like really, bring your own refreshments. The venue will be St. Peter's Square (that'll be just outside the Pratigan). The date is to be arranged, but as soon as possible would be a bonus.

Those persons of a gay persuasion are particularly welcome, if only to demonstrate, by your actions that to be Gay does not automatically make you a paedophile.

Those members of the clergy who have been exposed (if you'll pardon the expression) during the investigation into child abuse, will be rounded up, like the animals they are.

The National Press and television are to be invited, and the event will be beamed across the world, simultaneously, so no-one will miss the point, and we don't want to disappoint those who can't make it.

I'm thinking of calling this event "Live Bait". Other suggestions are most welcome.

The said priests will be asked to strip naked and will stand in St. Peter's Square, Christ on a bike, I hope there's enough room. The sadistic side of me is toying with the idea of penis rings manufactured in the tasteful style and authentic materials of a crown of thorns. No, I have not even considered donkeys.

The crowd are invited to humiliate them in any way they choose, but violence, sexual or otherwise is NOT permitted - two wrongs don't make a right. (bring your own eggs, tar and feathers).

The Pompous (oops sorry, I meant Pope) and his acolytes will gather in the square at a time to be arranged and publicly grovel and apologise to the world. Allowing use of condoms would be a nice starting gesture.

The untold riches held by this institution will be sequestrated and used to erase poverty and the misery that goes with it in the third world.

Meanwhile back at Live Bait Headquarters, (my kitchen table) an island is to be found far, far away from so called civilisation. Uninhabited of course and of the type on which no-one in their right mind would even consider making a home .

The Beasts (slipped again, Priests) will again be rounded up, after the crowd has got bored and gone home, and shipped off to said island. They will be provided with all the basic things (out of the Pratigan's fat over bloated purse) they need to allow them to build accommodation, rudimentary of course, start off their crops and find fresh water in the deadly snake infested jungle of the interior. The beach will have to be pebbly, none of that nice comfy sand.

There will be a 10 mile exclusion zone around this island, which will be heavily mined.

The twat who thinks this will make a good fly on the wall documentary will be made to go and live with them minus his camcorder. However I'm sure Sue Lawley would love to put him on Desert Island Discs as a farewell gesture, but only if he/she says sorry, unless he's also a paedophile of course, where henceforth all privileges will be removed. No, I said privileges, not privates.

And there we have it. They can fondle each other in Purgatory (sorry, forgot to tell you that's the new name of the Island) for eternity for all I care.

Eat your heart out Bob Geldof.


Thursday, October 13, 2005


Every morning around 5 - 6am I stumble downstairs, greet the dog, put the kettle on, switch on the lap-top, make some tea, light a fag, and settle down to trawl the online newspapers that have been delivered in the wee hours. I don't sleep very well, it drives me nuts, so at about 5am I give up the fight. However I do enjoy the solitude.

Incidentally, I have an appointment with the doctor today. I ran out of sleeping pills a month ago, they said they don't prescribe them on a regular basis. So I thought, OK we'll see what happens. If he won't give me any today I'll probably leap on him like a screaming banshee, perhaps not, maybe pathetic begging will work. Tried over the counter Nytol, but can't walk in a straight line for half the day. There's me gone off on a bloody tangent again, that's what tossing and turning all night does for you.

This morning, there was the inspiration for my next blog, and that got me thinking. Why? Because it's to do with religion and the Catholic Church. Also I usually blog about things that get up my nose - big time. Not always though. The other thing that takes me over is a vivid imagination and the desire to make a mockery, whilst I hope, making a serious point, err sometimes.

Anyway as I said I got to thinking (no mean task at 5 am).

I didn't have a religious upbringing, in any way. I was not christened and remember my Father saying that when I was old enough to understand then it would be my decision. My Grandmother sent me to Sunday School a few times and I even joined the Church Choir, but I never associated any of it with God, Jesus or any other aspect of Christianity. It was just something to do with people I knew, the chance of a day out and free cakes.

As a consequence, I am bemused and sometimes amazed at the blind faith in God, heaven, hell and all the other strange aspects of Christianity. None of it makes sense to me and I can't find any logic to it either. Many people would beg to differ.

I am very grateful to my Father for his attitude, for not bogging me down with the guilt associated with religion and the fear I know some people experience, of the consequences of their actions.

So, why do I keep bashing the Catholics - because I cannot abide hypocrisy and injustice in any form, and this institution seems to be pretty adept at perpetuating it.

So, I have to do another blog on them next. But, I'll go for a walk in the woods with the dog, watch the stags and look for red squirrels, that's as near to any kind of religion I can get.



No matter how hard you try George, you aint gonna live this one down.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Received this in my e-mail today, and just had to share it.

Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-oldgirl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bullsh*t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

F*ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being", forwards about 90 times.

I don't f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't p*ss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

PS. Send me 15 quid...

Thank you Karen, for contributing to my blog and brightening up my day.



Last night at Harvard University a ceremony was held amongst the scientific community.

It's purpose to give out "Ig Nobel" prizes which honour research which makes people laugh and then makes them think.

It's sure made me think:

How much funding has been diverted into this crap at the expense of viable, life enhancing or even life saving research?

The winners


John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, for an experiment that began in the year 1927, in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly dripping through a funnel at a rate of around one drop every nine years.

(a new take on "watching paint dry" I suppose)


Greg A Miller of Missouri for inventing Neuticles - artificial replacement testicles for dogs

(this, apparently is a replacement for neutered dogs, to make them look "normal again"- only in America)

The internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for using email to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters, each of whom requires just a small amount of money so as to obtain access to the great wealth they will share with you.

(yes, we've all had these, maybe they deserve a prize for persistence and stupidity. I wonder if anyone ever fell for it?)

Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University for electrically monitoring the activity of a locust's brain cell while it was watching selected highlights from the film Star Wars.

(Claire and Peter, try sex, it's much more exciting)

An international team of scientists and perfumiers for smelling and cataloguing the peculiar odours produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.

(Now I know why I hate Calvin Klein perfume)

Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, thus ensuring that people get out of bed, theoretically adding many productive hours to the work day.

(Nice try, but I can sleep through mine, but I would like one please, for the entertainment value)

Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo for photographing and then analysing every meal he has eaten over 34 years.

(A True Anorak, hopefully photographed before digestion took place)

Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for settling the scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?

(Does it matter?)

Agricultural history:
James Watson of Massey University, New Zealand, for his scholarly study, The Significance of Mr Richard Buckley's Exploding Trousers.

(Mr Buckley must be a good candidate to try out the artificial testicles)

Fluid dynamics:

Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of International University Bremen, Germany, and the University of Oulu, Finland; and Jozsef Gal of Lorand Eotvos University, Hungary, for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin, as detailed in their report Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh - Calculations on Avian Defecation.

(I cannot begin to imagine)


Monday, October 10, 2005



Don't you just love em!


Scientists are just about ready to test a new genetically modified mosquito, in their fight against the spread of that dreadful disease, malaria.

The male mosquitoes have had a gene added that makes their testicles glow, enabling scientists to identify them as sterile males. This also makes their sperm a fluorescent green.

This innovative piece of science should be taken a step further.

Paedophiles, rapists, and other sex offenders should have this gene added.

We women, when out at night, as is our right without fear of this low life lurking in our society, could be alerted by the glowing crotch of the man following us.

Children could be told, "never talk to strangers, especially the ones with the glowing trousers".

Hmmmm interesting thought.


Sunday, October 09, 2005


All our
Parliament is these days is a very large receptacle for hot air, literally.

It seems that an audit has produced shaming results regarding Parliament's and more importantly the representatives (and I use that word loosely) of the people's (MPs) regard to the environment and "doing their bit".

"The only green thing about Parliament is the mould growing on unfulfilled promises," said Alan Simpson, Labour MP for Nottingham South. "Nothing much seems to have been done to make Parliament greener - such as installing low-energy light bulbs."

Lights are left blazing; computers and radiators remain on, and free underground parking and petrol subsidies encourage MPs to drive. Official figures show that the Houses of Parliament have failed to reduce carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions and are producing 2,000 tons of waste a year.

Petrol Subsidies!! I'm speechless! (for once)


John Prescott
Deputy Prime Minister. "Two Jags" once drove a few yards on a windy day to preserve his wife's immaculately coiffed hair.

Kenneth Clarke
Tory leadership candidate. He may be a keen birdwatcher, but is also deputy chairman of British American Tobacco.

John Redwood
Tory MP for Wokingham. Said people "ignore the fact that the Earth has lived through hotter times".

I suggest that we "wire" the London Eye up to a generator outside Parliament and have the hypocrites running like hampsters within it to produce green power for the seat of our esteemed (coff) Government. That'll make em think twice. It should improve the falling tourism figures as well!


Thursday, October 06, 2005


Independant Counciller for West Lothian,
Duncan Maclean has been asked to resign over his remarks regarding the Gay Community. He also provoked outrage at his query "why do queers have to parade about in public".

He unsuccessfully tried to stop same sex marriages from going ahead in his Council Borough saying:

"It's political correctness gone mad. As the Bible teaches, 'Wrong-doers will not inherit the kingdom of God', and this includes lesbians and gays.


Well, Mr. Maclean I have a story to tell you. Are you sitting comfortably? Yes? Then pin back your bigoted ears.

Once upon a time in the not too distant past a well known University decided to do a study into Homophobia. They called forth into the Kingdom many men and interviewed them in such a way as to assess their attitudes to homosexuality.

Out of all these subjects they picked 10 who showed no signs of homophobia, and 10 who were obviously aggressively homophobic - a bit like you Duncan, well, a lot like you really.

All were wired up in such a way, that all emotions were registered, particularly sexual arousal -no don't ask me where they put the electrodes, probably in the same place as the penis enlargement patches in an earlier blog.

I Digress.

After all the electrodes were placed in and on their special little places. and of course on their heads to measure brain waves. They were put in a room to watch Homosexual pornography.

Without exception, all the aggressively homophobic subjects became sexually aroused and the non-homophobic subjects, yes, you guessed it, not a flicker of interest one way or the other.

So, Mr. Duncan, I would search your soul and look deep. Methinks you doth protest too much. First though, lets read in tomorrows Scotsman that you've tendered your resignation.

You would be a much happier person if you just came out of that closet you're hiding in.

In my experience though, people in glass houses usually do throw stones.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Ian Hislop, don't ever stop editing Private Eye!


Good Morning.

Whilst browsing the Scotsman on Line this morning this short piece caught my eye.

Naked rambler back in court

The Naked Rambler, Stephen Gough, 46, appeared at Tain Sheriff Court yesterday accused of walking naked on the A9 Inverness to Thurso road.

He pleaded not guilty to disorderly conduct and was remanded in custody

Well, Mr. Gough, I take my hat off to you, you are a brave man.

Walking up the A9 must take some courage, it's scary enough in a car but with no clothes on in October must take some will power, and a strange immunity to the Scottish weather.

You should be studied by scientists.

Perhaps your skin has some sort of insulating effect unknown to man, or are you just very hairy.

Would you not be better off flaunting your assets to the public in Spain, or the South of France where the weather is much nicer and there is no such thing as the Scottish Midge.

If you are immune to midges, (yes, they are still about, blame global warming) we up here in the Highlands would like to know about it. If you are immune to the nasty little creatures have you any idea of the potential riches that are passing you by if you don't impart this secret knowledge.

Then again, no sense no feeling eh?


Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Couldn't resist posting this.



Second post of the day. I'll have to lie down shortly from the stress of it all.

I have to blog this, it's important, and anyone who reads this, please pass it on.

Shark Fishermen in the Reunion Islands (french and in the Indian Ocean), are rounding up Cats and Dogs, tying their legs together with wire, inserting large hooks through their noses and dragging them behind boats as live shark bait.

The mind boggles at the endless ability to inflict cruelty by the human race, but sadly, never surprises me.

I know what I'd like to do to the bloody shark fishermen!

The RSPCA have flagged this and are requesting signatures on a petition - please click LINK to do your bit.



Monday, October 03, 2005


To those of you who read my blog (hopefully), apologies for my absence. I have been in the asphalt jungle again - some call it civilisation, I certainly would not!

Just as an aside, before I get to my post, tis the rutting season for the stags, and listening to them roar is preferable to the sound of traffic and "civilisation".

I got the hang of the link thingy eventually and it works! But, why is it purple and not underlined in the published post, when it's blue in the draft post?

According to research published today religious belief can cause damage to a society, contributing to higher murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide.


Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world".

If the quote above is indicative of the general American consensus then, (slap me with a wet holy wafer) God help us all.

Perhaps living in a psychological la la land, (ie a non-questioning belief in a divine creator) can justify anything you please. Go out and rape, God will forgive you if you go to church, confess your sins, and say you're sorry. Well that's OK then isn't it? We can rest easy in our beds now, cos we'll all go to heaven in the end.

Or, is the reason for the damage due to yet another form of oppression, namely religious doctrine. Does this create a need in some to break out and commit unacceptable acts. I don't know, but wish I did.

Answers on a postcard please.