SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

Yes, smoking is bad for you. Yes it's not a nice habit. Yes, it must be a pain in the ass for non-smokers to have to breathe it in. Yes, I agree small children and innocent animals should not be subjected to noxious fumes.

Yes I am a smoker and hell, yes I enjoy it, as is my right and choice.

However ...........

No, I don't smoke in rooms with non-smokers. No I don't smoke in non-smokers cars. No, I would not dream of lighting up in a non-smokers house unless I had permission, and even then I feel guilty and never smoke all of it.

BUT

If you come to my house you will have to stand in the garden while I smoke. If you come in my car you'll have to either bring your own oxygen tank and a mask or hang your head out of the window. If it's freezing bloody cold outside though you'll just have to choke or find alternative transport.

From 26th March, in Scotland, smoking will be banned in public places. Fair enough if that is what the majority want.

But, you bunch of wazzocks, make your minds up about where I cannot light up. Then I can avoid them like the plague.

The story so far is this,

You can be arrested for smoking in a pub, but once you're in the back of a police car you can light up. Particularly if you are an informant. Mind you I think many policemen should be exposed to noxious fumes, if only to hide the stench of their own corruption.

You may not smoke inside a Caledonian Macbrane Ferry to the Islands, but you can smoke on the Rosyth to Zeebrugge Ferry. Something to do with the 3 mile limit maybe? However having been on the Cally Macbrane Ferries many times in the past, I do not recommend lighting your fag on deck halfway across the Minch unless you want scorched eyeballs and a brand new hairdo.

Company cars are exempt, but it is banned in vans and tractors. Imagine being a farmer and having to be out all day ploughing and you can't have a fag in your own tractor.

Police Interview rooms are exempt as they are not classed as public places. So the police just interview each other do they, in their interview rooms?

There is to be a ruling that you will be requested to refrain from smoking in your own home if being visited by a member of a public body such as social workers, home helps, housing officers etc. If by some misfortune I need to be visited they can talk to me through my window, with me on the inside and I don't care if'its minus 5 on a February morning and throwing down a blizzard.

It is also banned in public parks. Oh please, are you frightened of the trees getting a cough or something?

To those non-smokers reading this and curling their lips up in distaste at my habit, I have one question to ask you.

Do you drive a car? Yes? Well I never. Have you thought how much pollution and noxious fumes you are pushing into the atmosphere. And for those non-smoking mothers out there, that throw their hands up in horror when someone lights a fag within 200 hundred yards of their child, have you thought of the lethal gases you are subjecting your child to when you push them down the street in a buggy which is the same height as the exhaust pipes on those cars going past you one after the other. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there you know. You know there is electricity, you know you cannot see it but you don't go and stick your finger in the the plughole do you?

So to all those non-smokers who make such a fuss, check out the rest of your lifestyle before you criticize mine.

To the smokers in Scotland. If your out and about and gagging for some nicotine, get your self arrested and make a good job of it, so you can carry on with that packet of 20 in the interview room.

I bet no-one will have the guts to ban it in one particular public place - prisons - no-one will want the nice little criminals to suffer will they?

I would also like to say, that I don't drink but I don't object to alcohol, though I can't stand falling over drunk people. Smoking does not terrorise families, cause people to beat each other and innocent people up or cause drivers to maim and kill people. If I go out though I have to put up with loud mouthed drunks, walk around their great piles of steaming vomit in the street and foot some of the tax bill for the damage and misery they cause. Where is my choice in that?

Kats

COULDN'T RESIST THIS ONE EITHER

PALESTINIAN ELECTION SHOCK

Private Eye hits the nail on the head once again.

Don't you just want to smack his smug little face?

AND ANOTHER THING ..........................

Any individual, group, religious or otherwise, who don't have the ability to laugh at themselves occasionally or see the funny side of life's triumphs and tribulations, whether their own or other's, and then try to force their dogma on the rest of us are to be avoided at all costs, as the word tolerance and it's meaning has escaped them.

Whew! Got that off my chest!

Kats :0)

VE HAF VAYS OF BREAKING DOWN ZE COMMUNICATION BARRIER

Moving forward………

The European Union(EU) has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".

This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikat ed changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

ALL TOGETHER NOW!

Courtesy of Private Eye - don't you just love it?

BURNING GATS ON THE TYNE

It seems that Hindus and Sikhs in Britain are calling for the right to have traditional open air funeral pyres to send their dear departed to be reincarnated.

It is proposed that the first burning gat will be in Newcastle on the Tyne.

Burning Gats by the Ganges are there because the river is considered Holy. The usual procedure, at Benares anyway, is to burn said relative on a pile of sandlewood (well, it'll smell nicer in plantations than those bloody pine trees everywhere), dowse the flames with the holy water from the river and toss the remains of auntie Edna in the river. Singed human remains floating in rivers where this takes place is the norm.

You shall have a fishy on a little dishy takes on a whole new meaning.

HINDUS and Sikhs in Britain should have the right to cremate their dead on funeral pyres at open-air ceremonies, a race relations group said yesterday.
The Anglo-Asian Friendship Society said that a ban on the use of funeral pyres, dating back to 1930, unfairly penalised followers of both religions. It has approached a local authority to seek land for open-air cremations and is threatening to take the case to the European Court of Human Rights.
The charity, which has 2,000 members, said that its proposal for pyres located at sites across the country, beginning with one near Newcastle upon Tyne, would meet all planning and environmental requirements.
Davendar Ghai, the society’s president, said that open-air cremations were considered essential to the process of reincarnation. “Reincarnation is a foundation of the faith and the older generation fully believe that, without these essential last rites, the soul languishes in restless torment,” he said.
Mr Ghai said that many Hindus and Sikhs were offended by having no alternative but to use the gas-powered furnaces of a conventional crematorium.
In a traditional Hindu funeral, the appropriate disposal of the ashes is vital. They are cooled and carefully collected so that there is no possibility of intermingling with other ashes.
Mr Ghai said that many relatives chose the expensive option of taking the remains to India to avoid risking the “catastrophic consequences for the departed soul” of a failure to observe all the rituals.
Lawyers working for the society, which is based in Gosforth, near Newcastle, have prepared a case to be heard under the 1988 Human Rights Act.

I prided myself on being tolerant towards a multicultural society and try to respect everyone's religious faith (although I think they are poor misguided people who would be happier without it), but even I am losing patience.

Lets bring back crucifiction, and be damned.

Kats